Boundaries And Centering Self This Holiday
Some tips for boundary setting to protect your own peace this holiday season
Hello! Happy day before Thanksgiving to all who celebrate! Let’s talk about centering self in preparation of seeing family and hometown homies who may or may not value who you are outside of what they seek from you.
Let’s remember that those most familiar to us often seek reassurance that their ingrained perceptions of who they think we are is what they seek most from us. Play out your script character in my life! PLAY OUT YOUR SCRIPT!!!!
You know, normal fun holiday vibes.
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Centering Self via Boundaries This Holiday Season
With that in mind, let’s talk about CENTERING SELF! In psychology, this is called individuation - the process of developing a distinct identity and sense of self. Ultimately, individuation is a process of maturing and establishing clear boundaries between self and others, especially parents/family dynamics.
It is the culmination of individuality, creating self driven purpose, and integrating the dualities of self while pruning aspects and patterns that no longer serve us. It’s really a lifelong journey - we develop many versions of self along the way.
This all sounds pretty standard and a given, but for people raised within narcissistic and dysfunctional homes, it’s actually a very intense and intentional healing process. Especially during the first go around on the death and rebirth carousel.
To varying degrees, I think most adults struggle with this process - even those raised within reasonably healthy communities. Which makes sense - you know my drill, we live in a patriarchal society and patriarchy is the culture of male narcissism where women are conditioned to center men and male validation at the expense of self and individual purpose.
This is why decentering men is essentially a practice of healing from narcissistic abuse since every woman has absolutely experienced the dark demands of male narcissism - whether in romantic relationships, paternal relationships, or from community expectations and patterns.
Centering self (for women, queers, and theys) is often a journey of going against the grain. Against the grain of interpersonal and/or cultural and community demands for a performance of effort or persona that benefits the status quo or those who seek to benefit from exploitative expectations.
This isn’t limited to any specific context - so we have lots of opportunities to practice prioritizing our own needs, emotions, and wellbeing - yayayay! [scream cries into pillow - I mean, girl bosses her way to freeeeeeedom]
As you individuate and show up as your most authentic self, family and old connections may react poorly. People who do not engage in self evolution and growth tend to disparage the growth of others as fake or disingenuous attention seeking.
Don’t internalize their projections if this happens - people can only conceive of change so much as they have changed within their own selves.
Seeing you be yourself is triggering to these people, so they’ll seek to self soothe by bringing you down. This convinces them that their choice to remain stagnant and circling the drain of poor patterns isn’t a personal decision, but an expression of human nature. Don’t internalize their nonsense - it ultimately has very little to do with you, they are mostly responding to their own subconscious disappointment with themselves over their own fearful or lazy refusal to grow and initiate positive change.
Boundaries and Holidays
Boundaries are your best and probably most discomforting friend on the centering self journey. Discomforting because others can have real wack responses to them - but that’s not on you, my love.
You are only responsible for your own actions and reactions, not the emotions or reactions of another person. You are only responsible for consciously deciding what you will and will not tolerate in your life - from others and from yourself. I don’t care if it’s your mother - you are still not responsible for her emotions [although I empathize with that kind of enmeshment harder than I can convey in writing].
This is especially important to remember before returning to family and hometown spaces. It’s super common to feel a sense of emotional regression when re-entering these familiar contexts - especially if your daily life is removed - physically by distance or emotionally by growing into new internal and social spaces.
It is common to feel like you revert back into the most unhinged, angsty, and distraught teenage version of yourself when visiting family. You’re not going crazy - it’s just a weird part of being human.
I bring this up now because I highly suggest proactively defining the boundaries you need to set with others and within yourself before going into holiday hoopla. This is a critical aspect of centering self and caring for self.
Boundary Setting Pre-Festivities
Let’s do an exercise together! Grab some scrap paper and pen - we’re going to jot a few things down in the process. First, let’s calm our nervous system so we can perceive our own needs without interference.
Let’s take 3-4 deep breaths in through the nose and slowly exhale out of your mouth, ensuring that your exhales are about twice as long as your inhales. Pursing your lips like the kiss emoji on the exhale helps ensure a slow release. Clear your mind to focus on the physicality of your breath, bringing awareness to your body as we do this.
This helps regulate your nervous system and communicates to your body that you are physically safe right here and right now.
Excellent, you’re killing it, champ! Now, jot down the first things that come to mind in response to the following questions - words and phrases are good. Take one-two full minutes with each.
What am I most looking forward to experiencing this holiday?
What am I most dreading experiencing this holiday?
Glimmers
THERE ARE NO WRONG ANSWERS!!!!!!! Only guiding posts indicating the boundaries and intentions to carry into the holidays.
What you are most looking forward to is what you stay focused on throughout your gathering. Is it the way your Grandmother’s house smells? Expand on that - get tactile, touch all of the surfaces and really revel in the sensory comforts.
Is it seeing your nieces and nephews? Amazing, volunteer to sit at the kids table - to maintain order, of course.
Is it the chance to look amazing to upstage an old high school frenemy at the local bar? Amazing, keep daydreaming of the perfect makeup combo that will really show her who is the true glamour queen!!!!
Identify these glimmers beforehand and when faced with BS or challenges, pivot your attention and participation back to these as much as possible. This is helpful in releasing reactionary impulses or ruminating thoughts about things that you dread as they may occur.
We want to take control of our internal space - emotionally and mentally - regardless of the triggers encountered. It’s a practice of intentionally releasing the way others and environments trigger negativity within so we can reclaim our power over our own experience.
Triggers
What are you most dreading experiencing this holiday? This is tougher, but equally important to know upfront so you can set boundaries beforehand, hype yourself up about your divine right to have and uphold boundaries, and make a plan of how to respond if these boundaries are rejected and/or mocked.
What does this look like in practice? Let’s flesh out some examples.
Dread Example One
I am dreading my MAGA family and their toxic negativity. VALID! Here are some potential boundaries:
Asking to curb all political conversations. Honestly, I don’t see a high success rate here with compliance, but boundaries with self can fill that gap until the conversation blows over
Boundary Response Option One (Demure):
Decide to not engage - to just repeat back the last part of anything they say to you in mirroring fashion, almost like a question
Let’s say a MAGA wacko says that ObamaCare is being dismantled, not ACA! [ObamaCare is a nickname for the Affordable Care Act - they are in fact, one in the same].
Resisting the urge to school those fools, just say oh it’s not? And provide little to no substantive responses or emotional reactivity
If they try to force reactive engagement in these conversations, just say things like Oh I hadn’t thought of it like that over and over until they lose interest in harvesting reaction and move on
Boundary Response Option Two (Spicy):
Hit them with some snark about how they will be personally negatively affected by their vote and refuse to engage beyond a mic drop. This works best as a sharp stab, not a battling cry.
Remember, you are unlikely to sway conservatives to care about other people through reason or empathy. Changing hearts and minds isn’t effective with people who are addicted to relating through conflict and scapegoating others instead of actually engaging with the hard intellectual and emotional work of solution building.
Plus, most of these conservative arguments aren’t about facts or reality - they are about harvesting attention and energy from inciting emotional responses from you. Deny them through indifference or snark - but shut down engagement QUICKLY. Your energy is your own and they need to learn how to regulate their own vibes, not feed on you like some ignorant succubus.
Your Uncle is mocking trans people and gender affirming care? Remind him that his hair plugs and testosterone replacement therapy are both considered gender affirming care - by medical coding alone. You embrace gender affirming care for all - even him and Elon Musk (Musk gets hair plugs). That kind of response is pretty neutral, in my opinion - but once again, it’s all about protecting your own peace above all.
Dread Example Two
I am dreading questions (judgments) about the state of my career.
Honey - you are in the process of creating for your own self in the face of societal collapse akin the the decline of the Roman Empire. You’re doing great, sweetie. And you will only continue to rise. Screw anyone who seeks to feel better about their own life choices by demeaning yours.
Boundary Response Option One (Demure):
I’ve got some irons in the fire, but it’s bad luck to talk about it while it’s cooking. Embrace a mysterious aspect even if you don’t feel like you have any irons in the fire. The most important thing here is protecting your own heart from absorbing their narratives or judgments as your own.
Boundary Response Option Two (Spicy):
Your Aunt can’t understand why you’re pursuing whatever career feels best to you instead of taking a “safer” or more “prestigious” option? Tell her you don’t want to choke on the bitterness of never trying for what you truly desire for yourself while slowly looking her up and down so she knows she’s the bitter hag in this conversation.
Dread Example Three
I don’t want to be spoke down to about the state of my love life (or lack thereof - GOOD FOR YOU, DECENTER MEN)
Boundary Response Option One (Demure):
If anyone tries to shame your life as incomplete without a partner, you can practice some ancestral veneration in response. Hit back with something along the lines of I honor our ancestors by embracing my right to live independently - for thousands of years, the women of our family line required marriage to survive and I am blessed with the option to live life for myself and not in service of a man - how could I sacrifice that to settle for someone less than what I desire?
Our ancestors are living with me and through me as I get to experience everything I want to create for my own self, on my own terms - and what a joy it is! Sure, it requires strength - but no more strength than slowly rotting away in codependence. All of my friendships and relationships are built on love alone - not a desperation to receive purpose, financial support, or validation from another person.
Boundary Response Option Two (Spicy):
Your family mocks 4B and the idea of a woman experiencing joy and purpose outside of being chosen by a man (to serve and pleasure him)? Remind them that morgues avoid hiring men because there’s such a high risk of them, um, “enjoying” the dead bodies.
Remind them that men are violating turkeys and the one you’re currently eating may very well have been assaulted. Ask them if they taste it. Then say you’re grateful to not have to worry about being humiliated from attachment to such a man.
(Butterball claims the resurfaced PETA video making the rounds right now showing sexual abuse of turkeys within their facilities is from 2006 and no longer represents current workers assaulting turkeys for pleasure - PETA says it’s still going down. Regardless, men use animals for pleasure and it’s disgusting.)
Boundary with Self Is Most Effective and Critical
The self boundary is really the most important throughout all of these. Set a boundary with yourself that you will remove yourself and your emotional attachment to engagement beyond the initial response (demure or spicy).
When triggers arises, remember the things you were looking forward to and pivot to engage with one of those ASAP. Go to the kids table. Take out your phone to look at how gorgeous you looked at the local bar to show up that old frenemy. The self boundary is denying the reasonable desire to really go at.
Engaging will likely not yield any positive results and the boundaries are meant to protect your relationship with your own self and choices. It’s about protecting your heart and mindset from adopting any views or narratives that are not yours.
And it’s challenging! As we said, when we go back to old spaces and dynamics, we’re vulnerable to regressing into the vulnerability and emotional reactivity of an earlier self we experienced in that context.
It’s normal!!!!! There’s nothing wrong with you. It’s all about preemptively empowering yourself to know when boundaries require you to remove yourself - physically or mentally if you can’t escape the room or company directly.
Repeat Kendrick Lamar’s track TV OFF for validation as challenges arise:
[Brother] feel entitled since he known me since a kid
Bitch I cut my Granny off is she don’t see it like I see it
When They Gaslight You About Healthy Boundaries
The term boundaries gets thrown around and weaponized all too often. Do you remember that Jonah Hill scandal where his pro surfer ex, Sarah Brady, shared manipulative texts showing how Hill misappropriated that term in an effort to exert coercive control over her choices, visibility, and career?
Yeah, Hill’s messages are an excellent example of how narcissistic/entitled people weaponize good faith efforts to establish and protect individual needs and boundaries to reclaim control of setting the narrative of reality in for their profit and dominance. NOT GOOD.
I wanted to highlight this example of how narcissistic and/or entitled people respond to boundaries - as a concept and when reasonably exercised within relationships to remind us that the boundaries we set are meant to protect our sense of self and needs FIRST. Boundaries are not meant to serve another person - boundaries are tools to protect and care for your sense of self and individuality.
Remember this if anyone tried to gaslight you about the validity of your own boundaries. I don’t care if it’s your mother or old school best friend - you and you alone are endowed with the power to determine what you will and will not tolerate or engage with. What they want from you is irrelevant to what you need from your own self.
Shut down any guilt trip nonsense. Shut down any manipulative efforts to distort boundaries as a requirement for you to submit to their desires. Disengage. You are your number one protector and director - these fools aren’t entitled to demand anything from you that you do not want to provide or embody.
I love you. I believe in you. Feel free to comment here to vent or distract yourself if boundary setting gets tough or lonely along your holidays - I’m here and will respond as soon as I can.
I care about you and I’m here to validate your own worthiness and entitlement to set the terms of your own life and engagements.
Plus, I’d love to hear about what boundaries you create and how you go about enforcing them. Centering yourself is a journey and you will be challenged along the way - I’m rooting for your victories because I know you are capable. You deserve to peace and protection to your own self - I’m proud of you for embarking on this beautiful imperfect journey. ALL MY LOVE <3 <3 <3
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💪🏽 i just did this writing exercise in preparation for the summer time because summer keeps getting more and more intense for me. thank you