MAGA Masculinity and J.D. Vance Family Seed Cups
MAGA's vision for being a family man is just shooting your shot and then receiving a well built life from the labor of women
SO, MAGA peeps are proudly displaying their hottest new accessory - jars of (hopefully fake) semen labeled “J.D. Vance Full Family Kit” along with the senator’s face like a NSFW Orville Redenbacher label.
From TMZ’s coverage - go check out that image gallery - it’s unclear if a MAGA vendor is selling these, um, jizz themed tchotchkes, or if this is some horrible DIY joke that rode the algorithm straight to crazy town and hitched a ride like a tick to the IRL via Trump rallies of malice.
Or, perhaps, some entrepreneurial prankster is harvesting cash from these very demure and very not weird folk who only care about the welfare of children and are definitely not fatally obsessed with the potential sex lives of others or the functional enslavement of women. Definitely not. It’s all super demure and mindful over here guys. Just as God intended.
Beyond absolutely owning us libs and refuting all charges of being weird, the political chatter class is assuming this hilarious joke is targeting Governor Tim Walz’s years long struggle with infertility and IVF. Governor Walz and his wife Gwen have two children and have spoken candidly about their challenging path to parenthood.
And, yes, I agree that is the knee jerk veneer of why MAGA peeps feel like they’re being powerfully transgressive and hysterical for schlepping around vials of pretend (please be pretend) venture capitalist hillbilly semen. But it’s also more encompassing than just that sneering punchline - it neatly illustrates the whole MAGA worldview on masculinity and fatherhood. It is an impoverished vision.
“J.D. Vance Full Family Kit.” Full is doing some heavy lifting there, right? Sure, the full is functioning to imply the vigorous health and masculine vitality of Vance - relying on the cultural myth that sperm battle through the hostile yet passive vaginal system to conquer an egg, and that only the strongest, most manliest sperm are capable of such heroic feats of impregnation.
Which then also implies that there is something inert, disabled or defective about Walz’s swimmers. Something less able and thus less desirable and valuable. But, these sperm warrior narratives and their overwrought implications are all horseshit.
Sperm don’t swim and fight through enemy lines to reach an egg - they rely on a woman’s reproductive system to actively assist their journey because without favorable currents to ride and be guided by, the sperm would rot before it could reach the promised land.
There are all sorts of other variables and instances where the womb actively participates to encourage or prevent sperm from fertilization for all sorts of evolutionary reasons, goals and defenses. I recommend Dr. Deena Emera’s excellent and accessible book, A Brief History of the Female Body, for a deep dive into the facts of the matter.
The main point here is that the warrior sperm myth is a macho fantasy of reproductive dominance with no basis in reality. It probably goes back to Aristotle’s wack ass gender theories of male heat versus female inertia, but I digress. (Fun fact - Aristotle and many ancient Greeks believed that women were deformed men created by depleted or weak sperm as some kind of biological accident - like healthy and well rested sperm resulted in baby boys and sick or exhausted sperm resulted in baby girls - LOLOLOLZ, glad we still indiscriminately stan Greek philosophy so hard).
The secondary, but more potent, meaning of full in the cum effigy family kit is defining the scope and expectation of the social role of men. Their vision of masculinity. Which is, pleasuring yourself and then receiving the pleasures from pleasuring yourself.
Pleasure and receiving - those are the pillars of an impoverished and immature vision of masculinity. Nothing about creation or contribution - that’s hard work so that’s women’s work, amIright?!
Cum in a (lady) container and get a family! Receive a social role, a family, and a wife to make a robust life happen for you. Men then get to reap all of the ineffable status rewards from other men for receiving life from the labor of women. It’s your legacy!!!! You pleasured yourself and now your legacy lives on to provide glory to you dear sir!!! Don’t beat your wife to death, maintain a job and everything else will be provided to you by the poor woman you knocked up. Mission accomplished, legacy secured.
Pleasure and receiving - those are the pillars of an impoverished and immature vision of masculinity. Nothing about creation or contribution - that’s hard work so that’s women’s work, amIright?!
In the MAGA world view, masculine virtue is defined by what it receives - or takes - from the labor and power of women. Full family kit is quite literal - all that men must contribute to receive white picket fence dreams and status bumps of family, children, and community is their own ejaculation.
Women are then expected to develop and perform all knowledge and labor required to produce the baby, care for the baby, and create a safe and pleasing home to raise the baby. Plus women need to master an array of abstract and concrete skills to nurture the baby through adult development and ensure the baby receives all of the resources, education, experiences, and support necessary to fare well in whatever future they may face. Skill sets which require ongoing self educational efforts to stay proactively forward facing and capable of meeting the world’s shifting needs and expectations.
And, of course, women are expected to pick up a few extra chores for the family. Just all of the organizational and emotionally intelligent tasks required to participate in community (planning and hosting family BBQs, making costumes for school plays, organizing volunteer initiatives, supporting children through the emotional tribulations of growing up, etc.).
Oh, also, women must provide care and support to elderly, young, or sick family members. Plus, someone needs to ensure life maintenance tasks are well managed and executed (cleaning out the dryer vent to prevent house fires, scheduling children’s dental cleanings, ensuring all documentation for every aspect of life from children’s medical histories through the car’s warranty agreements are up-to-date and accessible when needed).
Full family kit is quite literal - all that men must contribute to receive white picket fence dreams and status bumps of family, children, and community is their own ejaculation.
Oh, and also contribute financially - because it’s out of reach for most Americans to raise a family on one income alone. But remember - your husband works really hard and cannot be expected to know how to initiate doing any of the basic life tasks or parenting obligations we’ve touched upon. So, help him focus and succeed in his economic sphere - and make sure none of the boring, repetitive maintenance tasks of life are ever an issue for him to have to consider.
Oh, and also - don’t you dare get fat or stop prioritizing doing a full face of makeup with a sexy look for each day (but not too sexy, ya harlot!). Oh, and also - be sure to keep things spicy in the bedroom for your man - with all of the porn that he consumes every single day, you really need to be mindful to continuously reinvent the pleasure you can provide to him.
All of that is expected as the bare minimum women must do for their families. And men are congratulated for ejaculating and maintaining full time employment.
It’s casual really.
To skirt the effeminate truth of expecting to be provided for by the labor of women, MAGA voices focus on the cultural myths that men are providers and protectors.
And what can women expect in terms of reciprocity and contribution from men? Well, they’re providers. Men are expected to work full time - as most adults outside of generational wealth lines must. So, he provides a paycheck that he would require regardless of family status. MAGA views his income as his income - so he may deny or refuse to provide based on his whims, moods, and goals to extort whatever desires a wife might deny.
A paycheck, which due to structural decline and the abject failure of trickle down policies that cut taxes for the richest under the dumb lie false assumption the richest would choose to pass on those riches to others or invest into common goods for all, cannot support a family and must be supplemented by another income source. Got it.
What else? Oh he’s a protector. Which seriously makes me laugh every time that line is thrown out into the gender discourse as if it actually is a substantial offering. Men don’t attack women when they are walking down the street with their male partner. Men attack women when they are alone and vulnerable. It is the dumbest offering imaginable because it requires nothing from men while granting praise and admiration for the concept that he could protect a woman but will likely never actually have to prove it. Another macho fantasy without substance.
A true protector would call out other men when they speak disrespectfully and violently about women or act in alignment with those feelings. That’s what a true protector would do. Most men will never risk their social capital to call out another man for being a menace or threat to women. They are not natural protectors, they just seek to protect what they feel that they own from other men.
If that’s a masculine virtue, then the mole people who live in the NYC subway tunnels and set violent traps to protect their drug stashes are the manliest men to ever men.
And yes, mole people in NYC subways are very real. I worked in industrial construction project management for a couple of years and encountered such hideaways between subway stations. For any ladies looking for that kind of protector - DM me and I’ll draw you a map of where to descend to, but please know you will encounter rats that could easily eat a pomeranian on your journey.
MAGA’s vision of masculinity is defined by a male entitlement to receive from women (regardless of whether she wants to give). A higher vision of masculinity is defined by the strength and adaptable resiliency to create and lead through contribution and care. A higher vision of masculinity values the presence of men beyond their ability to ejaculate and receive care.
Many men reject any higher vision for themselves because it requires effort and discipline to consciously create. They prefer to receive. This is the MAGA base.
Governor Tim Walz, on the other hand, embodies an easy going and loving vision for masculinity. As a teacher and football coach with traditional masculine bona fides from military service to hunting hobbies, Walz volunteered to lead his public school’s first Gay Straight Alliance - back in 1999. Walz is grounded, joyful, and seems excited to support and advocate for inclusive and sensible policies that embrace the fundamental humanity of us all.
I think that’s a part of the reason that MAGA is so triggered by Walz - he makes healthy masculinity look easeful and joyful. He shows how the choice to lead through care and contribution strengthens masculine virtue where the misogyny of MAGA fears and degrades the concept of contributing without expectations to dominate or extort.
Recent NYT polling suggests that MAGA men are still breaking for Trump at +9 points or so, while women are breaking for VP Harris around +11 points. Essentially, from my point of view, the gender gap demonstrates the core question facing the future of Americans.
Do we continue to perpetuate and enable a parasitic standard of masculinity and violently force women to submit to serving men who refuse to do the inner work necessary to cultivate the life skills and intelligences required to become a sovereign and productive member of society?
Or will men find the inspiration and will to evolve and participate in partnership with women to build a more equitable social infrastructure that doesn’t rely on functionally enslaved people to be the social safety net Americans refuse to value or create?
Coco, what’s the solution?! Politically mobilize against these MAGA causes and socially disengage with those who advocate against the sovereignty and dignity of women. Don’t lavish these trolls with attention or social care. Trust they are making informed decisions that reflect their true views and values - regardless of whatever excuses or pivots they offer to diffuse the cruelty at the heart of their world view.
Creation is for the powerful - it takes time, intentional effort, and consistent investment to become a creator of any kind. Whether your creative medium is welding, interior design, or constructing a balanced life that reflects your values and aesthetic joys in all aspects - becoming a creator is a process of intentional practice through the highs and lows of it all.
Men are capable. Many would simply prefer not to. We must not enable and coddle men who make the choice to extract without contribution by softening the consequences of his chosen lifestyle.
Do we continue to perpetuate and enable a parasitic standard of masculinity and violently force women to submit to serving men who refuse to do the inner work necessary to cultivate the life skills and intelligences required to become a sovereign and productive member of society?
We must allow the men who prefer not to do the work to experience the lonely consequences of their own decisions without a woman sacrificing her own energy, potential, time, and love to alleviate the uncomfortable repercussions of his destructive choices and unexamined patterns. It serves no one but the perpetuation of the dysfunctional social systems that we must heal and reform for the betterment of all (and, also, the future viability of life on earth).
Men are capable of evolution. Men are capable of therapy and journaling and meditation and seeking out professional support in their growth. No one can do self work for another. We can uplift and support each other, but we cannot do the internal work of transformation and evolution for another person.
We can build a better world together, but a loving and equitable partnership is only possible between two whole and independent people. Love does not diminish the wholeness of a person, it creates more from the union of two wholeness.
Impoverished visions of masculinity are not capable of such partnership - they must evolve and do the internal work to become emotionally whole before they can offer real love, intimacy, support, and care. Let them work it out on their own and keep creating a kickass vision for your own life, investing in mutually loving and caring friendships and connections, and we’ll see what these MAGA guys decide to do with their own free will.
Anyway, I love you kiddo and I’m really grateful that you stopped by to chat with me today. As always, Maudey and I look forward to hanging out here with you again real soon - don’t be a stranger! Subscribe if it feels right - I’m working on my consistency in posting and I gotta tell you, doing some confidence and self concept work has made me real optimistic about building out this lil internet perch.
I can’t thank you enough for being here with me - drop a comment to let me know how you feel about all of this, I’d genuinely like to know how you feel my friend <3