Masculine and Feminine Polarities of Self
Debunking patriarchal lies of mutual exclusivity defined by sex at birth and exploring toxic v mature expressions of each polarity
We’ve been discussing the narcissistic and codependent standards of traditional gender roles and heterosexual romance a lot around here. Today, I want to pull focus back to the self to break down the masculine and feminine polarity that constitutes the wholeness of an individual.
Individuality is established through the intentional cultivation and balancing of one’s distinctive masculine and feminine duality. However, patriarchy conditions us to believe that masculinity and femininity are concepts defined by biological sex, and thus gender roles are a specified performance of men being “masculine” and women being “feminine”.
While biological sex has its wheelhouse of influence and determination, it does not define masculinity or femininity. I don’t say that to diminish the real differences that exist between sexes or genders, but to recognize that neither sex nor gender can exhaustively define or limit the infinite potential constellations of a person’s masculine / feminine duality. Let’s talk about it.
When I say masculine and feminine, I am speaking to the energetic or core aspects of being - not gender identity or biological sex. The wholeness of every individual is created and expressed by the unique cultivation and composition of masculine and feminine coded aspects.
What Are The Masculine and Feminine Aspects of Self?
We touched on this in our earlier discussion of the Patriarchal Impoverishment of Masculinity - to shameless quote myself for expansion here:
We attribute the initiative to take action and the linear logic required to execute goals as masculine qualities. Also, all actions and choices related to protecting and providing material resources to oneself or others.
These are the realms of executing choices in the material world and defending oneself against adversarial forces or ideas - which every single person must learn how to do for themselves.
We attribute the realms of the interior self to femininity - emotionality, self-understanding, empathy for oneself and others, nurturing capacities, and creative expression.
Once again, these are basic life skills and requirements of self-knowledge that all people must cultivate to build an authentic life with harmonious and genuine human connections.
That article contains a lot more - you should check it out if patriarchy drives you bananas and you’d like a better understanding of how it functions in service of confronting and dismantling it as a lifestyle : )
Let’s dive deeper with an example of the mind. Your masculine mindset is the capacity of linear logic, perception, and deduction. A woman is exercising her masculine mind when she deduces the necessary steps and time table to execute a specific goal.
We’re supposed to arrive at 7p, so we’ll need to be pulling out of the driveway at 6:30p, meaning I need to be getting the kids cleaned up and dressed no later than 6p, so dinner must be on the table no later than 5:20p, so I need to be cooking by 4:30p, meaning I need to leave work no later than 3p…
Your feminine mindset is the realm of abstract and lateral logic. It is the womb of creative breakthroughs through receptive inspiration and lateral associations - sometimes seemingly unknowable in the jump to conclusion since lateral leaps don’t always follow the self-evident steps of linear logic.
The feminine aspect of the mind is the intellectual state of receptiveness, of an openness to perceive things as they are (or could be) without reducing them to labels or the impositional limits of a required order or structure. It allows insight, inspiration, and wisdom to flow and conjure itself without force.
Remember when you were a kid and they gave you analogy worksheets? It might say something like water is to ocean as sand is to ____? The answer would desert, right?
Those analogy fill in the blank lessons were teaching lateral associations - the foundation of lateral logic. These disparate things are alike in this coherent or intangible way.
Balancing each side of the mind to flow together is a practice. Without the masculine structure of linear logic, we wouldn’t be able to materialize the plan of action to bring forth the feminine inspirations as lived realities.
Without the feminine creation, we wouldn’t have a distinct vision to execute upon, nor the ability to perceive beyond the superficial to discern true intentions or dynamics underlying false projections and facades. It is the intuition to realize when lies and manipulations are afoot - or where true potential or benefit may be hidden.
When you have a flash of inspiration for a business plan, that’s a feminine epiphany. Your feminine intellect was receptive to perceiving external realities as they are and that’s how you suddenly recognized an unserved need and the solution you could offer. Your masculine intellect is what takes that vision and breaks it down into the business plan of actionable steps to create and manifest that idea into reality.
Immature v Mature Expressions
There are higher and lower expressions of masculinity and femininity - healthy v. toxic, reactive v. cultivated, mature v immature. Let’s talk about them because I see many spheres of online discourse - from podcast bros to dating gurus to soft life girlies - where superficial ideas of masculinity and femininity generate some really unhelpful perspectives and expectations for self and relating to others.
Masculinity is not about unfettered dominance and the will to extract. Femininity is not about passive submission and indiscriminate nurturing.
Below are some examples of traits for each side of the polarity, broken down by their reactive v cultivated expressions. As a general rule of thumb, when a person is predominately operating from the reactive or toxic realms of masculinity, they’ll also be predominately operating from the reactive or toxic realms of femininity - and vice versa.
Often, when we speak about toxic masculinity, we’re speaking to operating toxically from both polarities. Same when we speak of healthy masculinity or femininity - because these aspects of self are intertwined within us.
For example, plenty of patriarchal women are functioning overtly from their toxic masculinity, relishing in controlling and punishing others as way to consume validation that their superficial expressions of femininity as a social role are superior to all other constitutions of self.
Ultimately, I hope that understanding masculinity and femininity as reciprocal poles of an individual whole will enable us to recognize patriarchal social roles as counterfeit standards designed to promote supremacy hierarchies and discourage the intentional creation of self, values, and community bonds that disown exploitation as the currency of connection.
That being said, everyone has some toxic expressions and challenging patterns. EVERY SINGLE PERSON! It’s all about doing our best to consistently choose to orient ourselves towards the higher expression as often as we can. Holding up perfectionist standards for ourselves or others is the type of tyrannical judgment that kills progress and connection.
MASCULINE TRAITS
Structure v Control
Structure is wonderful! But exerting too much control stifles creation and connection. Structure is about setting up processes and standards that serve the flow of creation, embodiment of values, and routines of meeting needs and materializing goals.
Control is about rigidly determining processes and outcomes in a way that doesn’t allow for reflective feedback, intuition, mistakes, or play within the journey. Control demands an obedience to performing by the preference of one perspective rigidly and unnecessarily - often leveraging the threat of punishing responses (against self or others) to inform compliance.
Commanding by Consensus v Domination
There’s an aspect of co-creation to commanding by consensus, where others choose to follow the lead in good faith because of an established respect for how the leader conducts themselves, embodies values, and generates positive results and processes for the welfare of the whole, not for self enrichment or aggrandizement.
Domination is more so rooted in acquiescing to command to avoid punitive retribution, not agreeing from a place of good faith and genuine respect. Domination relies on fear for compliance and is typically focused on the leader using others/situations to extort benefits - egoic or material - for themselves first and at the direct detriment of cooperative welfare and prosperity.
Discipline v Punishment
Discipline is rooted in accountability and will power. It is the implementation of structure - personally or within group dynamics - with the purpose of upholding values or processes towards goals and wellbeing. While discipline may be exercised through consequences, it is ultimately is designed to raise intentions, not destroy resistance.
Punishment is rooted in exacting costs and negative consequences to eradicate undesirable behaviors, actions, or dispositions. It is a reactive force inflicted to encourage compliance and obedience, providing the punisher with the satisfaction of vengeance or authority experienced as the restoration of dominance and superiority. This happens both internally and interpersonally.
Contribution v Transaction
Orientations of contribution lead through value and presence. It is an abundant mentality and work ethic that generates real pride and connection through its devotion to autonomously recognizing needs and potentials, and acting to meet and raise them for the wellbeing of self and others. It is a creative state embodying generosity of spirit, intention, and participation that grows from an internal security, faith, and dedication to rising through merit. Contributors do not seek to extract welfare for self by controlling, demeaning, or using others.
Transactional mindsets only devote effort and attention towards pursuits and people to receive a higher return than they invested. It is a short sighted and destructive mentality devoid of any true value, higher purpose, or capacity to connect to self or others meaningfully. It relies on consuming instead of creating. It is the currency of immediate gratification to distract self from feeling the utter lack of core meaning or self-worth. Transactional mindsets are a state of internal poverty and foster unstable and volatile states of being - especially when it feels denied an expected or demanded return on investment from others.
FEMININE TRAITS
Receptivity v Consumption
A core aspect of femininity is receptivity - the openness to receive and perceive people, dynamics, and insights as they are without distortions. This involves the capacity to decenter one’s own immediate fears, desires, and expectations to objectively perceive. This is necessary to nurture - to be receptive to what truly is in order to divine what is truly needed. Receptiveness is not passivity, submission, or the undiscerning acceptance - it is a form of true sight that enables clear eyed decision making.
Orientations of consumption lack the capacity to decenter self and thus subjugate all they perceive into ambassadors of their own immediate fears, desires, and expectations. This lens diminishes everything outside of self into an appendage and reflection of self exclusively (often subconsciously), which functions to replace processes of self regulation with reactive consumption of others.
For example, if a person feels jealous and insecure about their partner, the consumptive orientation will project those fears and assume their partner is cheating and demand that the partner alter their behaviors to soothe this fear for them. A receptive orientation would have the capacity to decenter the fears, of say an ex having cheated, well enough to identify why they feel triggered, whether there is true evidence for concern, and to initiate a healthy conversation or personal actions about it. So, instead of immediately seeking to control the behaviors of their partner to self-soothe by mechanisms of external control, the receptive orientation will seek to engage with their original woundedness that generated the feelings of jealous insecurity to begin with.
Cooperative v Codependent
Cooperative orientations prioritize the mutual value of experiences, feelings, needs, and desires amongst people. It values the wellbeing of all and initiating collective action and care towards meeting needs and co-creating desirable or healing experiences for all. Cooperative mentalities value the validity of individuality, empathy, kindness, the power of mutual aid and investments.
Codependent orientations require connection and attention from others to feel secure and whole. There is a lack of internal rootedness that relies on the external presence and validation from others to feel capable, worthy, and whole. This orientation self-sacrifices to retain access to another person in their life - whether that’s accepting abusive behavior to not lose a partner or having no healthy boundaries at work to feel like the boss’ special pet because the boss’ emotional validation is the source of worth, not the employee’s confidence in their own work.
Expression v Collapse
Expressing emotions, needs, desires, and experiences is a critical process of release, creation, and flow. It allows for the authentic experiences of the interior self to flow outward to be seen, heard, and recognized by others, but more importantly, by self. Expression - whether through crying, channeling feelings and experiences into artistic work, or communicating needs and boundaries to self or others - is necessary to move through states of being, belief, and development. We cannot heal grief until we express and channel those feelings and experiences outwards. Expression is critical for releasing the past, forgiving undesirable patterns or outcomes, healing cycles of woundedness and unproductive behavioral or thought patterns. Ultimately, expression is the process of releasing, unburdening, creating, and developing new standards of self, expectation, and experience.
Collapse occurs when expression becomes a cyclical state without true release or channeling outward. It is a wallowing that perpetuates the feelings, behaviors, patterns, and woundedness underlying the expression. Collapse can manifest as rumination, unrelenting emotional states, obsession, freeze, avoidance, or catanionic states. It is like becoming lost in the depths of a whirlpool without any structures to provide relief or release. Structure is generally anecdote to collapse - enacting will power to move self forward one step at time, trusting that the strength required will culminate in exiting the cycle.
Discernment v Indiscriminate Receptivity
Discernment is required to apply functional value to what is received and perceived by the feminine. Femininity is the pole of attraction while masculinity is the pole of pursuing - every person both pursues and attracts opportunities based on their choices and how they embody themselves, values, and skills. Discernment is rooted in a grounded sense of self-worth and clear vision of what you will accept or not accept from yourself and others. It is the ability to perceive what people, circumstances, and insights you attract and make the judgment call to accept them, reject them, or make changes within to shift the trajectory of what is attracted to you by reflecting on why it was attracted or why you were attracted to it.
Indiscriminate receptivity has no boundaries and lacks a rooted self-worth that demands advocating for self and standards. It’s an impulsive and sometimes overly innocent orientation that prioritizes indulging or giving space to others and external needs at the expense of nurturing the needs and space of self first. Indiscriminate receptivity is most swayed by the last voice in the room and conforms self and worldview based on what’s around them instead of filtering perception through a grounded sense of values, self-respect, and standards - releasing what is out of alignment and focusing on what does align.
Patriarchal Social Roles Are Exploiter v. Exploited - NOT Masculine v. Feminine
Patriarchal conditioning leads to an incomplete understanding of individuality and promotes a codependent ideal that wholeness is only achieved by finding your other half through romantic partnership.
Which makes sense when we are conditioned to limit ourselves to only accessing and expressing the “correct” aspect of masculinity or femininity corresponding to our birth sex.
We naturally long to receive the reciprocal polarity from another since we first learned to deny and repress its existence within ourselves. Thinking of masculinity and femininity as a mutually exclusive dichotomy also flattens and represses the full expression of either pole through superficial zero sum ideas of what actually constitutes either.
Fundamentally, patriarchal concepts of masculinity and femininity are actually assigned roles of men are dominant by virtue of their right to exploit women without consequence and women are feminine by their requirement to submit to exploitation without recourse. This has nothing to do with masculinity or femininity - it’s just a conditioned relationship of supremacy exploitation.
This also fuels redpill rhetoric that demonizes accomplished women as too masculine or degrades a woman’s success by implying that she must have slept her way to the top. Ultimately, these men feel violated by that woman’s disciplined mastery of her masculinity to create such success and abundance for herself.
These redpill ideologies want men born biologically male to have a monopoly on masculinity by birthright. This superficial assumption fuels the fantasy of men’s innate supremacy - since their masculine monopoly is assigned at birth, they don’t need to cultivate or develop masculine skills to enjoy dominating women.
These men feel entitled to exploit women, but independent and capable women are not easily exploited. Successful women expose this fantasy of supremacy and monopoly on masculinity as the shallow fraudulent wallowing that it is. This is a violation to the patriarchal social order - and, as we’ve discussed, violations to fantasies of supremacy are met with sabotage or violence.
(Check out past articles like this and this and all my patriarchal breakdowns here for a deeper dive).
On the flip side, women can just as easily reject men for violating their social role of stoic masculinity.
An Example Of Gender Role Violations Experienced as The ICK
For example, a woman may say she got the ick when a man shared his feelings in a healthy but demonstratively emotional way, like crying when speaking on a vulnerability or woundedness. While she’s comfortable and socialized to express herself emotionally and receive that type of expression from other women, she rejected a man doing so because it violated her expectation of male stoicism.
The ick was more a subconscious rejection of the unpredictability of that man violating his social role of masculine stoic who represses tender expressions of pain or vulnerability.
The ingrained social script functioning as programming beneath her thoughts - the unspoken core beliefs that men do not cry (which may even be at odds with her conscious thoughts of yes, of course men CAN cry and express emotions) could no longer form accurate projections of how this man is or will be along the limitations of masculine patriarchal social role.
This violation to predictability - largely happening beneath conscious thoughts - generates the ick, generates that rejection and projection of disgust or distrust outward. Reflection and conscious effort with self to identify where ick reactions like this are truly arising from is the first step to reprogramming these types of core beliefs and patriarchal conditioning.
By raising self-awareness, we can catch ourselves consciously when that conditioning is triggered and thoughtfully challenge it from within. This is the work of reprogramming self intentionally - it’s a process, but it’s absolutely possible with curious dedication (instead of punitive or shame based self monitoring).
THANKS FOR READING! You can find me on TikTok and IG at CocoHasIdeas and weekly longchats are uploaded to YouTube Coco_Has_Ideas
As always, please let me know how this resonated with you! I absolutely love to hear from you - sometimes writing on the internet feels like shouting into the void, but hearing your thoughts and experiences makes it a connection :)
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xoxo, Coco + Maude
