Sadomasochism, Patriarchy, and Authoritarianism

How Erich Fromm's insights into the Authoritarian Personality mirror patriarchal dynamics and the rise of hyper-masculine authoritarianism today

Let’s visit with our old friend Erich Fromm - specifically his 1957 essay The Authoritarian Personality - to examine how sadomasochism and a fear of individuality and freedom motivate both fascist movements and patriarchal standards alike. [The linked essay is free and a short read.]

Patriarchal romantic standards mirror the sadomasochist dynamic Fromm describes. It conditions men to only feel masculine and powerful by controlling and consuming a woman, while women are conditioned to only feel valuable and whole by abandoning self in submission to a man.

Both parties lose their individual sense of self in this symbiotic relationship and are mutually dependent on the other through dominant and submissive fusion. This is the sadism and masochism that Fromm discusses - the fundamental urge to annihilate self either by consuming and dominating another or by being consumed and dominated by another. This fusion forms a codependent whole that escapes the existential dread of individuality and burdens of freedom.

Fromm, a social psychologist and philosopher, was speaking directly to authoritarian movements in the wake of World War II - unpacking the psychological dynamics that animate both the rulers and the ruled within Nazism and Stalinism. These dynamics motivate patriarchal orientations just the same because patriarchy is inherently authoritarian.

Authoritarian mindsets are supremacy mindsets; authoritarian systems are supremacy systems. These are all terms describing the same dynamics and worldviews from various approaches. I use authoritarian and supremacy interchangeably, but for clarity in this discussion, I’ll stick with authoritarian.

All of these systems - and the character of individuals who adhere to them - are functioning from the same base of worldview and longing.

Patriarchy is the First Authoritarian System

I argue that patriarchy is the first and most critical system of authoritarianism that is required for all other authoritarian systems to function. They all co-create together with patriarchy at their core.

Until we dismantle patriarchy, we cannot dismantle white supremacy, Capitalism (or any system of minority control of resources - Communism functionally results in a similar tyranny as Capitalism because of the patriarchal nature and control of nation states - but we’ll talk about that in another post).

Patriarchal norms are required for any and all tyrannical social orders built on exploitation because it conditions us into authoritarian mindsets from the family raising level. Inequality within the home and immediate community is critical for conditioning exploitation as our default understanding of social dynamics.

Patriarchy rests on the indoctrination of myths that support male supremacy and justify systems and cultures of male welfare - where women are the subhuman appendage a man consumes into his sense of self to be used both for identity building, but also as the machinery of life that produces basic needs for that man to consume without participation, compensation, or reciprocity.

All of our political, economic, and social systems are built on the assumption that women are solely responsible for meeting basic human needs and creating quality of life for male and social consumption without structural support, recognition, compensation, or reciprocity.

This assumption - however ugly - is at the root of our social dysfunction. We must recognize that this assumption is compounded for women of color who experience both patriarchal demands and the extractive burdens of white supremacy. If a white woman is a domestic machine, then women of color - especially black and brown women - are expected to be industrial scale machinery required to produce to serve both patriarchal and white supremacist extraction.

Check out this previous discussion for a refresher on patriarchal dynamics (and this one for a rundown of the costs of socially centering adult men at the expense and dehumanization of women and children).

Irrational Authority Within Authoritarianism

In this chat, we’ll be exploring how both patriarchal men and women can be described by the active (sadistic) and passive (masochistic) expressions of Fromm’s authoritarian character.

As Fromm illustrates, these authoritarian worldviews all rely upon irrational authority. Dominant roles within authoritarianism rest upon an irrational authority generated from emotional submission and fear that must be fed by making oneself smaller and increasingly dependent upon it through the abdication of individuality and inner authority.

Irrational authority must be fed. It does not stand on its own merit and must be sustained through the submission of another to exist.

Rational authority, on the other hand, is based on critical evaluation and demonstrated competence.

Rational authority, as Fromm explains, exists between fundamentally equal people. Authority is created from competency and mastery. A person is seen as an authority by virtue of a demonstrated superiority and excellence within a specific capacity.

This is the rational authority that exists between teacher and student where the teacher’s authority is a virtue of their mastery and that authority naturally lessens as the student develops.

Nothing about a teacher’s authority is considered innate, it is developed and demonstrated. As the student masters the subject matter, the gap of authority lessens.

Irrational authority, in contrast, requires a supposed innate superiority and inferiority that is not based on competence, but on fear and the potential use of raw power to harm.

The innate superiority or inferiority is assigned through social roles or access to power to harm - there is nothing rational or of substantial value involved in the designations.

Irrational authority must be fed. It does not stand on its own merit and must be sustained through the submission of another to exist.

In this way, the superior and inferior of the relationship are equally dependent upon each other - mirroring the same narcissistic codependent dynamic that is upheld as the highest ideal of romance and marriage under patriarchal norms.

We can see this irrational authority play out in toxic relationships where the husband dominates and controls the wife. The husband feels powerful only through experiencing her total submission to his will. When the wife seeks to leave the relationship, he is confronted with his own dependence upon her and will fall to his knees begging for another chance and promising change.

The power he sadistically consumes from her submission is a sense of irrational authority and when she removes herself, it disappears.

Equally, as the wife seeks to remove herself, she is confronted with the responsibilities of freedom and independence that she avoided while living in submissive fusion to his directives.

Breaking out of this fusion is overwhelming for both the dominant and submissive roles because neither has an intact and sovereign sense of self to rely upon. They both must rebuild it.

I don’t say this is dismiss or absolve abusive behaviors or make false equivalencies - I’m speaking to the common roots of each role before we discuss them separately.

No one deserves abuse and it is a subtle process of chipping away sense of self over time. I’m not suggesting anyone consciously chooses these experiences or is any way less than for having experienced them. We’re discussing the concealed, subversive, and often subconscious dynamics underpinning these experiences and standards to empower our sight and evolution of decision making.

I personally believe (from my own direct experience, years of therapy, and lots of reading), that abusive relationships must be left. I do not believe that abusive relationships can be healed within the existing dynamic. That kind of healing requires separation and individuation.

These healing processes take time, space, support, and renewal. All of which require ending the connection as totally as humanly possible. I understand demands of co-parenting and other social factors may make total disconnection impossible, and in the those cases, I encourage limiting all communication exclusively to practical needs.

Irrational Authority v Inner Authority

Let’s unpack some of Fromm’s key points through the lens of patriarchy and hypermasculinity.

My goal here is to empower women to recognize the undercurrents - often subconscious, but not always - that are driving men’s behavior, misogyny, and manipulations - interpersonally AND politically.

Remember, patriarchy establishes a path of least resistance for men. Not all men are patriarchal, but it requires working against the grain of this path of least resistance as a lifestyle for a man to overcome.

Most men are patriarchal - leftist men included. That doesn’t mean all, but it does mean the average and thus MOST.

Equally, I seek to inspire us to unlearn the submissive masochistic standards that have conditioned women to make ourselves smaller and more pleasing to maintain access to patriarchal relationships and avoid the social costs of violating the fantasy of male superiority.

Developing inner authority and consciously detaching from these entrenched and conditioned patterns is the process of decentering men and centering self.

Within many spiritual paradigms, it’s believed that the feminine leads and the masculine follows (non-gendered - we’re speaking to energies and polarities). The feminine births the idea or vision and the masculine rises to meet, execute, and materialize that feminine abstraction into lived reality.

As we challenge the patriarchal authoritarian order, first through self-development and rejection of it’s myths and performances, we open the door for men to evolve and meet us in equal liberation. Not all will choose to, but some absolutely will. We cannot do that evolution work for them, only for our selves.

We’ll be working with Fromm’s concepts in additional posts to expand application, but let’s start with men’s patriarchal fantasy of supremacy - the irrational authority patriarchy conditions them to believe is their birthright and women’s responsibility to perform.

Immaturity of the Authoritarian Character

The authoritarian character has not reached maturity; he can neither love nor make use of reason. As a result, he is extremely alone which means that he is gripped by a deeply rooted fear. He needs to feel a bond, which requires neither love nor reason — and he finds it in the symbiotic relationship, in feeling-one with others; not by reserving his own identity, but rather by fusing, by destroying his own identity. The authoritarian character needs another person to fuse with because he cannot endure his own aloneness and fear.

Whether the person is seeking to consume others or be consumed by another - or some mixed expression of both impulses that we’ll discuss later - they are functioning from a state of immaturity and fear.

This is the commonality between the active and passive expressions - the root of why men and women seek out patriarchal dynamics wherein the woman is subsumed within the man’s identity, she becomes an appendage of his self-concept and relies on nourishing his identity and wellbeing for purpose, value, and meaning.

The attractive offering of patriarchal codependence is using the fusion to avoid the existential fear and discomfort of developing self reliance and independence in being. This is why trad wife aesthetics hold such appeal - especially during this precarious social and economic times. Fusing with another avoids the insecurity of existing and creating independently with uncertain outcomes.

The symbiotic bond doesn’t have to be love or result in a higher quality of life, it just has to eradicate that gnawing sense of aloneness and overwhelm of exercising freedom because freedom always leads to creating within the unknown.

Existing outside of social role assignment is creating within the unknown. That is a daunting prospect and I do not diminish the reality of that.

This also explains why so many men partner with women that they do not even like, let alone love. Not only is he using her labor and presence to materially and functionally subsidize his life, he is using her to avoid the helplessness and fear from refusing to mature capacities to endure freedom and individuality.

A woman can equally use the presence of a man for the same purposes. Upholding standards for partnering with men is a rejection of this avoidant fusion and an act of freedom that requires self-reliance. Upholding true standards requires the capacity to detach when they are consistently violated without repair.

Men, Sex, and Avoidance

Avoiding this gripping fear of aloneness is also why men promote the idea that they biologically REQUIRE sex from a woman, that sex is the only way a man can experience and express love.

This is a myth - sex is how immature people experience this bond that requires neither love nor reason as Fromm explains. It is the cheapest way to feel less alone - that is not an investment or expression of love. That is the avoidance of maturing capacities of love and using another person’s body to self-soothe.

Loving sex is a co-creation of pleasure that neither diminishes nor neglects either party. Men who harbor transactional and desperate views towards sex are not co-creating pleasure but avoiding their own aloneness.

By transactional and desperate, I mean men who perform a chore within their own household to use as a bartering chip to demand his partner pleasure him. I mean men who feel entitled to use a woman’s body for his exclusive pleasure after purchasing dinner on a date. I mean the type of man who only behaves kindly or respectfully to women he finds attractive under the desperate notion that maybe one day he’ll be rewarded with access to her body.

Patriarchal Women: The Passive Form of Authoritarian Character

The paradox of this passive form of the authoritarian character is: the individual belittles himself so that he can — as part of something greater — become great himself. The individual wants to receive commands, so that he does not have the necessity to make decisions and carry responsibility…This masochistic and submissive individual, who fears freedom and escapes into idolatry, is the person on which the authoritarian systems — Nazism and Stalinism — rest.

That’s the promise of being a trad wife, right? Relief from decision making and carrying responsibility? I don’t say that to diminish the realms of childrearing and homemaking - that is legitimate work that requires a mastering of skills.

The trad wife ideal of submission, however, promises that the man will assume all social and material decision making and responsibility. She will assume his views and beliefs - whether those are religious, political or community level judgments.

If he doesn’t like a person and says she will no longer interact with them, then that’s that. She relinquishes the burden of cultivating an individual value system and acting upon it - for better or worse.

Focusing on idolizing her man is easier - it paints the world in black and white logic. He is the best, everything he decides and feels is the best, and she becomes the best too by assuming worship of her idol.

There are no consequences to consider - she does not need to engage in the moral and cognitive effort of reflecting on the impact of their decisions and presence. She does not need to engage with the work of self-esteem building and purpose - she relies on his identity to provide status and image.

Tending to image replaces the substantive work of building self and standing for any values outside of her own comfort. All she needs to focus on is promoting the righteousness of her idol and thus her own righteousness by virtue of being an appendage.

Sadism As Consumption and Avoidance: Men’s Patriarchal Disposition

When I speak of sadism as the active side of the authoritarian personality, many people may be surprised because sadism is usually understood as the tendency to torment and to cause pain. But actually, this is not the point of sadism. The different forms of sadism which we can observe have their root in a striving, which is to master and control another individual, to make him a helpless object of one’s will, to become his ruler, to dispose over him as one sees fit and without limitations. Humiliation and enslavement are just means to this purpose, and the most radical means to this is to make him suffer; as there is no greater power over a person than to make him suffer, to force him to endure pains without resistance.

This quote is critical for every woman to know and understand about men. Sure, there are exceptions, some men do the work to mature beyond this sadistic standard of self and relating to the world.

But this is the default disposition of men under patriarchy - this is where the path of least resistance that patriarchy culturally and structurally offers men leads to.

This dynamic exposes the fraudulence of patriarchal discipline. Discipline is a healthy concept - but it’s often mistaken for punishment. Check out this article for a refresher on toxic v matured expressions of masculine and feminine traits within an individual (non-gendered) for a deep dive on the difference between discipline and punishment.

Discipline or consequences are often masks to disguise the rot of patterns and yearnings for sadistic control.

In relationships, if you tolerate punishing and extractive behavior from men, they will see it as an invitation to grow their sadistic control over you. In fact, getting away with worse will become his favorite flavor of power to consume from a woman.

I hate sayings like if he wanted to, he would because it makes me feel bad as a woman to hear. There’s an implication of inadequacy that I resent. We should reframe this idiom as he wanted to, so he did. To clearly understand he wanted to harm, so he did.

Women should never take a man by his word alone - if the words do not align with his actions and quality of presence, he is sadistically consuming you and it’s time to cut ties to protect yourself.

Get a pet, a new hobby, prepare for the impending revolution (we’ll talk about this in detail in the coming weeks), - just do anything but entertain a sadistic man for another moment. The temporary relief of not-alone is not worth the cost of his extraction.

Developing inner authority, over time, will alleviate that lonely feeling and replace it with pride and accomplishment over what you built for yourself using all of the energy and time you didn’t pour into a sadistic man.

We are all capable, even if it’s deeply uncomfortable, to build these new foundations. Once new foundations are built, there are new horizons of experiences, accomplishments, connections, and joy. The lonely discomfort of demolishing old patterns to establish new orientations of being does not last forever.

Why He Dominates Women but Submits to Other Men

The fact that both forms of the authoritarian personality can be traced back to one final common point — the symbiotic tendency — demonstrates why one can find both the sadistic and masochistic component in so many authoritarian personalities. Usually, only the objects differ. We all have heard of the family tyrant, who treats his wife and children in an sadistic manner but when he faces his superior in the office he becomes the submissive employee.

This is a great perspective to hold against gaslighting self or ruminating on the contradiction of men submitting to each other while seeking to dominate a woman privately.

The same dynamic is true when women who submit to their husbands seek to dominate other women. The rage and repression of blind submission is bottled up and vented by assuming the tyrannical sadistic role elsewhere.

For any woman who hates other women and finds solace in patriarchy - this is the dynamic you hate. THIS. I get it, I’ve lived it. I’m spitting the truth here on the other side.

The sadomasochistic dynamic is a part of human nature and represents an immature state that we all can evolve through if we choose to. It is very normal to struggle with either or both expressions throughout our lifetimes - I surely have. But there’s tremendous relief in understanding that these dynamics are not mandates or insurmountable limitations.

These are merely perspectives and patterns of self and relation - malleable aspects that we can intentionally create and destroy and re-create anew. The most challenging part, in my opinion, is developing the inner authority to embrace freedom despite the unease and responsibility of exercising choice self-reliantly.

Value of This Perspective

I think understanding men through this lens of sadistic authoritarianism is helpful and empowering. It doesn’t mean ALL men NO MATTER WHAT are sadistic to women - but it does mean that the average man absolutely is.

Understand that doing the work to mature out of these default settings of patriarchy requires intentional, consistent, uncomfortable, and unprofitable effort. By unprofitable, I mean this work does not yield direct pay, praise, or pleasure and it is the rare man who values himself and development beyond such instant gratification and pleasure seeking.

Same for us women though, right? Maturing out of the passive authoritarian mindsets necessary for women to live within patriarchal dynamics HURTS. It hurts! It’s a lot of effort! It’s confusing! It very often puts us at odds and in conflict with the dynamics of our own families and communities. I get it!

Realizing how deeply patriarchal and women hating our society truly is - how the default settings culturally, socially, politically, and economically are rigged against women and in favor of providing welfare to men is truly painful.

But the truth will set us free.

However ugly, understanding patriarchal dynamics allows us to stop the cycle of sadomasochism as the standard for gendered affairs by refusing to participate - however that looks for your own life.

At least for women and feminine energies, there is a real profit after the initial discomfort of processing and disengaging. The profit is no longer hemorrhaging yourself to prop up, placate, or entertain a man who has absolutely nothing of value or substance to offer in return. That relief is immense and it frees up your energy and time for pursuits that can provide real meaning for yourself.

That hobby or dream or art that he mocked you for? DO IT. BUILT IT. MAKE IT. ENJOY IT. It feels weird at first because all self driven efforts feels awkward at the start. KEEP AT IT and see what grows within you and around you from those investments.

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We’re going to wrap up here - but remember, everything we’ve discussed here on a pattern level can and should be directly applied to every other system of supremacy.

As we always say, patriarchy is the keystone inequality - the dynamics embodied by patriarchy are the same authoritarian dynamics underpinning WHITE SUPREMACY, PLUTOCRACY (minority control of resources - whether through Capitalism or Communism), RELIGIOUS TYRANNY, the SYSTEMIC SUBHUMAN TREATMENT OF CHILDREN.

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