Your writing has put into words what I’ve always felt watching my own parents’ relationship. My mom provided ALL of the emotional labor for my brother and I. My dad never joined us on family vacations, helped w homework, drove us to activities, cooked a meal, cleaned a toilet, and even then, she had to get my father’s permission to buy us things. Meanwhile, my dad has always had a separate bank account to buy alllllll of the fancy guns you could think of. My brother and I are both in our late 20s now, and our parents are still together. Occasionally my mom complains to me about my dad’s behavior; I wonder if she’ll ever feel strong enough to stand up to him… thanks for arming me w some fresh arguments about the patriarchy I can pass on to my mom 💜
Hey Aly! Thank you so much for sharing - I really relate to your experience too. My parents had a similar dynamic to yours and it was so painful to watch. Your mom is lucky to have you for strength and supporting her against the gaslighting of patriarchal dynamics to validate her value and experiences. The hardest part about patriarchal male narcissism is how dangerous it can be to confront it since men are so disconnected from their own interior and emotionality that feeling challenged by the women they feel the own makes them reactively lash out to reassert that dominance.
I've personally found that sometimes the best first step to protect and strengthen oneself is to create more space and investment in self. Before I was able to leave patriarchal relationships that were hurting me, I kept playing it cool like everything was the same while promising myself to spend 90 minutes every single day on investing in my joy and confidence - started working out and going to poetry readings and other creative spaces for and by women. Creating that barrier of this is MY time was a big process I felt like I needed male permission to indulge in myself like that. It really helped me reconnect with myself as an individual and to increase my baseline feelings of confidence and worthiness in prioritizing my own self. Such a strategy might help your mom too before considering how address they dynamics of her relationship - because some men will NEVER change and the best bet is to carve out self love and disengage from centering him emotionally - work to build emotional tolerance against manipulations and recenter self as purpose and self joy as the most worthwhile investment of time/energy.
I'm so grateful to have these conversations with you and I'm sending all of my love + strength to you and your mom! <3
Your writing has put into words what I’ve always felt watching my own parents’ relationship. My mom provided ALL of the emotional labor for my brother and I. My dad never joined us on family vacations, helped w homework, drove us to activities, cooked a meal, cleaned a toilet, and even then, she had to get my father’s permission to buy us things. Meanwhile, my dad has always had a separate bank account to buy alllllll of the fancy guns you could think of. My brother and I are both in our late 20s now, and our parents are still together. Occasionally my mom complains to me about my dad’s behavior; I wonder if she’ll ever feel strong enough to stand up to him… thanks for arming me w some fresh arguments about the patriarchy I can pass on to my mom 💜
Hey Aly! Thank you so much for sharing - I really relate to your experience too. My parents had a similar dynamic to yours and it was so painful to watch. Your mom is lucky to have you for strength and supporting her against the gaslighting of patriarchal dynamics to validate her value and experiences. The hardest part about patriarchal male narcissism is how dangerous it can be to confront it since men are so disconnected from their own interior and emotionality that feeling challenged by the women they feel the own makes them reactively lash out to reassert that dominance.
I've personally found that sometimes the best first step to protect and strengthen oneself is to create more space and investment in self. Before I was able to leave patriarchal relationships that were hurting me, I kept playing it cool like everything was the same while promising myself to spend 90 minutes every single day on investing in my joy and confidence - started working out and going to poetry readings and other creative spaces for and by women. Creating that barrier of this is MY time was a big process I felt like I needed male permission to indulge in myself like that. It really helped me reconnect with myself as an individual and to increase my baseline feelings of confidence and worthiness in prioritizing my own self. Such a strategy might help your mom too before considering how address they dynamics of her relationship - because some men will NEVER change and the best bet is to carve out self love and disengage from centering him emotionally - work to build emotional tolerance against manipulations and recenter self as purpose and self joy as the most worthwhile investment of time/energy.
I'm so grateful to have these conversations with you and I'm sending all of my love + strength to you and your mom! <3